Regrets and Realizations
by imsavannah
Summary: Kind of similar to Four Christmases. Spencer and Toby aren't married or have children because of certain beliefs or apprehensions. Will they come to realize that they have different views?


"So, what are the plans for Christmas this year?" Toby Cavanaugh asked his long-term girlfriend as they were lying in bed one morning.

"Well," Spencer started, shifting on to her side to look at her boyfriend. "Hanna said she's hosting Christmas brunch again this year and Melissa and Wren invited us to Christmas dinner." She paused, letting the information sink in with Toby. "I was thinking we could hit your dad's house either some time on Christmas or on Christmas Eve."

Toby sighed, sitting up against the headboard and rubbing his sleepy eyes. "It's that unfortunate time of the year where we actually have to spend time with our families…I feel like it was last year's Christmas two weeks ago."

"Right?" Spencer agreed, climbing out of bed to start getting ready for today. "Well, today can be just me and you, no work, no other people, no nothing. What do you want to do?"

Toby smiled and got out of bed to walk across the room to his girlfriend standing in front of the mirror. She was dressed in one of his t-shirts that barely made it to her mid-thigh with her unruly brown hair falling freely in every direction and…she just looked _perfect_.

"I was thinking," he began, pausing to place kisses along her neck down to her shoulder. "That we could," he paused once again, placing more kisses along her neck, grinning when he saw Spencer close her eyes and tilt her head to the side, responding to his kisses. "Start in the shower, then maybe take a ride to the city, and go to that new restaurant that just opened on South Street, and we can talk about that vacation we are planning on taking next month."

Spencer swallowed as Toby's hands ran up and down the sides of her body. "That sounds like a great plan," she replied, taking his hand eagerly and leading him into the master bathroom they shared.

* * *

><p><em>The next day<em>

Since they were sixteen, Hanna. Emily, Aria, Alison and Spencer all went Christmas shopping the week before Christmas. After college, all of them ended up living around Rosewood, if not in Rosewood, so it was a typical occurrence that the five of them got together along with their significant others.

"I can't believe Christmas is in five days," Hanna stressed, pushing a cart around _Toys R Us_. "Mikayla literally wants _Frozen_ everything…the costumes, the action figures, the soundtrack, the DVD, the sing along version only, and the fricken talking dolls too!"

"Ugh stop!" cried Alison, dramatically placing both palms over her ears. "I cannot even talk about that movie. The twins always want to watch it, and when it's over, they want to watch it again, and when they're not watching it…they're singing it."

Emily gasped and suddenly stopped walking, making a pregnant Aria collide into her back. "Ow, Em, baby on board here," she exclaimed, rubbing soothing circles on her protruding stomach.

"Sorry Ar," Emily quickly apologized, turning to her wife with her eyes wider than a child on Christmas morning. "Ali, we need to get this little flowered car for the girls. Please?" she pleaded, slightly sticking her bottom lip out.

Alison sighed, walking over to examine the car Emily was pointing at. "As long as we make sure it's safe, I guess Santa can splurge on this."

After Emily cheered and hugged her wife happily, the two of them went off to find en employee help them carry the toy out to the car.

"So," Hanna started, turning to Aria and Spencer. "How much more shopping do you guys need to do?"

"So much," Aria replied, shaking her head. "Holden is really into Thomas the Tank Engine, so I've been trying to find some vintage stuff, and let me tell you, it is not easy. Plus, I would not be surprised if this baby right here qualifies for the World Cup or something with his kicking skills," Aria added, pointing to her stomach. "How's your holiday shopping going Spence?"

"Hello, earth to Spencer," Hanna said impatiently, reaching for her friend's phone that she'd been attached to this whole shopping trip. "What have you been doing on this phone the whole day?"

Spencer gave her friend a look of disproval and reached for her phone back. "I was looking at things for me and Toby to do in Greece, since we're leaving the day after Christmas and I've been simultaneously answering emails from work if you must know. And I was done Christmas shopping like two weeks ago."

"Of course you were," Hanna rolled her eyes, giving Spencer her phone back. "I'm jealous. Caleb and I will never be able to go to Greece…or anywhere for that matter. Two kids are a lot to handle financially and we already started saving for college funds…I'm banking on a few scholarships here."

Spencer couldn't help but laugh at her flustered friend. "Hanna, your kids are four and one, I think you can take a breather."

"Seriously though Spencer, you and Toby live the life," Aria chimed in, chewing on some carrot sticks in a plastic baggie she pulled out of her purse.

"Yeah," Spencer replied, smiling down at her phone background, which was her and Toby in Hawaii that past summer, grinning from ear to ear with their arms wrapped around each other in front of the water with the sun setting behind them. "We do."

* * *

><p>Toby, Ezra and Caleb were gathered at Caleb's house drinking beer and looking after the kids.<p>

"I'm telling you, all I want to do nowadays is sleep," commented Caleb, before taking a long sip of his beer. "Between Mikayla begging to sleep in between me and Hanna and Drew up all night crying, I don't think I've gotten a consistent hour of sleep in weeks."

"I hear you man," Ezra nodded, also taking a swig of his beer. "Holden always wants to sleep _right_ between us in bed and Aria's been having a hard time sleeping lately as it is being eight months pregnant."

"And I can't even imagine having two children going through the terrible twos at the same time like Em and Ali," Caleb retorted, chuckling a little. "So, what's new with you, Toby? I feel like I haven't seen you in awhile."

"Nothing much," Toby replied, leaning back on the couch. "Spencer and I are just getting last minute things done and ready for Christmas and our Greece trip."

"Man, I'd love to go to Greece," Ezra expressed, setting his beer down on the table beside him. "There's so much history there and plus, it's beautiful."

Mikayla came running into the room with Holden at her tail. "Daddy!" she screeched, running for Caleb's lap.

"Hey, slow down," Caleb said after he caught his laughing daughter.

"Dad, I'm hungry," Mikayla whined, attempting to stand on her father's legs.

Caleb laughed. "Okay, Monkey, we are going to order pizza now."

"Okay dad! Come on, Holden, let's finish the game!"

The three boys laughed as they watched the kids run out of the room once again. "She's full of energy, that one," Toby commented, shaking his head.

"You have no idea," Caleb replied, picking up his beer. "I love her, but I must say, between her and Drew, Hanna and I's sex life is basically nonexistent right now."

Toby raised his eyebrows, surprised at Caleb's confession. "What about when the kids go to bed? I mean they have to sleep sometime."

"Yeah, they do eventually. I mean, Drew's sleep schedule is a little off right now so he's kind of unpredictable and sometimes Mikayla sleeps with us. But honestly, the biggest problem is just that Hanna and I are tired. At the end of the day, we just want to sleep. The last time we had sex was probably like a month ago."

"Holden's been sleeping through the night a little better now that he's three, but Aria and I have been exhausted with him, work, and Aria's pregnancy. We probably had sex before a month ago, though. That sucks, man," Ezra chuckled.

Caleb shot his friend a look. "Thanks, dude. How about you, Toby?"

"What?" Toby asked, slightly taken aback at his friends' questions.

"How is you and Spencer's sex life? Please tell me it's better than ours."

"Oh, uh," Toby replied, scratching the back of his neck. "Yeah, we uh, I mean, well, this morning."

"Dude," Caleb stood up to high-five his friend. Sometimes the three of them still acted like teenagers around each other. "I love my kids and Hanna more than anything, but I can't help but be jealous of your life sometimes," Caleb replied as he heard the baby monitor next to him come to life as his son began to cry.

* * *

><p><em>Christmas Day<em>

It was Christmas day and the gang was all gathered at Hanna and Caleb's for a Christmas brunch, before spending time with family later that day. Toby was currently playing trucks with Holden, laughing at the young boy's excitement. Toby glanced over in the kitchen, where Hanna was holding her one-year-old son, Drew, and Spencer was making faces at the baby, causing him to giggle. Toby couldn't help but smile at the sight, but then felt his smile falter and heart drop when he remembered Spencer's standpoint on children.

"Toby," Emily called from behind him, interrupting his thoughts. "Do you think you could take a family photo of us?"

Toby nodded. "Sure."

Emily, Ali, Lily and Lola were having a blast making different poses. Toby took a lot of pictures of the family, which turned into a photo up rather than a photo. However, his favorite, and Ali and Emily's favorite was one where all four of the girls looked so happy, with Alison holding Lola and attempting to kiss her cheek, and Emily and Lily looking at each other laughing.

This parenting stuff may be hard, but maybe, just maybe, it's worth it, Toby thought, looking around at all the happy adults and their children.

* * *

><p>Spencer sighed as she dropped into the passenger seat, and closed her eyes. "Well, that was an exhausting day."<p>

"Yeah, it was." Toby agreed, putting the keys into the ignition and starting up the engine.

"I think we should just bag Christmas next year," Spencer suggested, unbuttoning her pea coat. "In all honesty, it stopped being fun when we were like, ten."

"Well," Toby started, gazing straight ahead. "I think…the magic of Christmas returns when you have kids around…our friends seemed to be into it and having fun."

"Yeah, well, you should have seen them a few days ago…they were _not_ having a good time at Toys R Us," Spencer joked.

Spencer looked over at him skeptically when he didn't laugh along with her. They had an agreement early on in their relationship that since both of their parent's marriages failed and neither of them had great childhoods, they were never going to get married or have children, at least not for a long time.

"Do you ever feel like maybe we're missing out?" he questioned, maintaining his gaze straight ahead.

Spencer swallowed, turning towards her boyfriend of twelve years. "We've talked about this. If things are so good now why would we change them? Our friends have no time for themselves, Toby. They have no control over their lives. That's all I wanted my whole life and I finally have it…I thought we were on the same page here."

Toby did nothing but continue to look straight ahead at the road in front of him. "Toby, can you look at me, please."

"I'm driving," was Toby's only reply.

"Then pull over." Spencer snapped.

Toby complied and pulled over to the side of the road. "Don't you think our friends and your sister look happy?"

"Melissa's kids are brats, Toby. They are just examples of how you can give people _everything_ you have and they can be ungrateful. Or maybe you can think you're giving them everything, but you're really not enough…or maybe some people just aren't meant to be parents…and what if your kids end up resenting you…or what if-"

Toby shook his head. "What are you talking about? They're seven. They will appreciate all the things you do for them when they're older, they just aren't rational enough to realize it as kids…and what do you mean by not being enough?"

"Like me!" Spencer shouted. "I never felt enough for my parents and being raised the way I was, how could I raise a child? I would never wish my childhood upon another human being."

"You'll raise your kids differently, Spencer. You aren't your parents."

"I don't get why you want to fix what's not broken here," Spencer retorted, motioning between her and Toby.

Toby swallowed and looked at his girlfriend, taking her hand in his. "Because it's not that anything's broken…I just feel like it's not complete."

Spencer couldn't help the tears that formed in her eyes. "See, I knew it," she replied, shaking her head. "I'm already not enough for my parents, or myself, but I'm not enough for you…and that's what hurts the most."

"Spencer, I love you…you're everything to me...it's just that maybe things could get even better than they are now."

"Stop it, Toby." Spencer cried as she quickly retracted her hand from her boyfriend's hold.

"Is it so wrong that I love you and I want our relationship to actually go places instead of staying in the same place forever?"

"I'd rather not sit back and watch history repeat itself."

"It doesn't have to, Spence. We pave our own future."

"Can you just take me back to Melissa's house, please?" Spencer asked weakly, turning away from Toby to wipe her eyes.

Toby paused, taken aback by his girlfriend's request. "I'll take you home, we don't have to talk about this tonight."

"So we can have the same fight tomorrow? No, take me to Melissa's please. That's what I want."

"Okay," was Toby's only reply, as he made a U-turn and headed back to Melissa's house.

* * *

><p>Spencer was seated at the kitchen table sipping a cup of coffee as her sister sat opposite of her.<p>

"Spence, what happened? You guys seemed fine here like an hour ago." Melissa spoke in a soft voice since Wren was trying to get the kids to sleep.

"Everything I was afraid of happening." Spencer replied so quietly it came out as a whisper.

Melissa shot her sister a confused look. "Could you elaborate more?"

Spencer didn't answer right away, instead playing with the fabric of the tablecloth under her fingers.

"Did he say he wanted to end things?" Melissa questioned once more, slightly annoyed by her little sister's vagueness.

Spencer sighed. "No, he wants the opposite."

"So," Melissa started not quite following the reason behind Spencer's agitation. "What's the problem with that?"

"Melissa, I can't have children. Toby and I can't have children. We are children. I have no idea the first clue in raising a child and I fail at everything else I do so why would this be any different?"

"Spencer, what are you talking about? You're the most successful businesswoman I know and I'm pretty sure you stopped being a child when you were eleven."

"Yeah, because when you left for college I learned that I had to take care of myself because no one else was going to…no one else was ever around."

Melissa reached out comfortingly for her sister's hand. "I know you had to grow up fast…but you turned out okay. You turned out more than okay."

Spencer couldn't help but laugh at her sister's encouragement. "Then why did I just run away from the person who wants to spend the rest of their life with me?"

"Because you're scared," Melissa sighed, removing her hand from her sister's grasp to push back a piece of hair behind her ear. "And that's okay. It's normal."

"But when you have a baby, you're not just in control of yourself anymore but in control of them too, in the beginning at least. Another human being is your responsibility. Doesn't that _ever _scare you?"

"Yeah, it does. But you're never going to have complete control of your life. And sometimes that's the best part of it all. Don't let your past define your future."

Spencer nodded, taking in all of her sister's advice. Older sisters always knew what to say. After a few more minutes of silence, Spencer looked up.

"Thank you for everything. Would you mind driving me home now?"

* * *

><p>As Spencer entered the home she shared with Toby, she was greeted with darkness and a room illuminated from the television down the hall. She made her way to the lit room, her heels clicking against the hardwood as she walked. Toby was sitting up on the couch with a beer in his hand.<p>

"Hey," Spencer greeted as she lingered in the doorway.

"Hey, I wasn't expecting you back tonight." He spoke, his voice neutral.

"Neither was I, but I really wanted to talk to you," she replied, walking closer and taking a seat at the other end of the couch.

Toby remained silent so Spencer continued. "All my life, I feel like I've been striving for unattainable things, like control…and approval. You can control some things, but all of the important things are uncontrollable. Some are bad, but some are good…like falling in love." Spencer shifted slightly on the couch, moving closer to Toby. "And approval? I could be the first woman president and I still don't think my parents would look at me the way I always dreamed of them looking at me. But I see it in you everyday. I love you and you make me happy…and that's what I'm deciding to choose from now on. And you were right about our friends being happy...we might be on the road to becoming rich, but just with their families, they seem like the richest people in the world."

Toby smiled at his girlfriend's confession, wrapping an arm around her waist. "You're my happiness too, Spence. That's why I want to marry you and make babies with you and grow old with you…and experience what life has to offer with you."

Spencer didn't even realize she was crying until she felt the moisture down her cheeks. She leaned into kiss him hard, placing her hands behind his neck. "That's what I want, too." She nodded furiously, not being able to stop the grin that formed on her face. She was scared, but she'd get through it with him by her side.

* * *

><p><strong>Sorry about any big grammatical errors, but it's really late and I wanted to get this up before Christmas Eve and Christmas! Hope you all have Happy Holidays!<strong>


End file.
